If you met him in the streets, you would not give him a second glance. Of
course, this may not be entirely true, because he was not really the sort of
person that you would remember, so if you looked at him you may not remember if
you had seen him before, and in that case you would not be able to determine
whether or not this was your first, second or 43rd glance. But not many people
would really care that much about him to be bothered to work all that out, what
with all the required paper-work and underlying legal issues.
But it was not
what he looked like when he occasionally decided to roam the streets and not be
noticed that was important, although someone might have thought it to be
important, especially if they were trying to keep count of all the times they
glanced at him in the street.
The important thing about this average-looking
character, was infact something completely different. It was the fact that
despite his physical appearance, his recognizable stench, and the turtle he
carried with him everywhere in his left-hand coat pocket, Gerald, which was his
name, was the man on whose shoulders rested the fate of the world. He was not
quite sure which world, scatterbrained as he was. But he was positive that it a
world of some importance, because he was developing somewhat of a hunchback due
to the quite significant weight.
He was the planet’s liaison to an
intergalactic war of proportions that were quite large, as intergalactic wars
generally are. Or so he had been told.
Just the day before, he had been out
in the forest collecting grubs for his turtle, Morris. As he was placing a
particularly juicy-looking specimen in his tupperware container, he was struck
by a bright light. Behind the light was the engine compartment of a freight
train, which had suddenly entered the forest after hitting an elk that had been
paid to stand on the track for a Jell-O commercial. However, the elk had failed
to realize that he would not be alive to enjoy the money he was promised, and
even if he was, he was an elk, and did not have much use for money
Luckily however, only the light struck Gerald, resulting in a small
fracture. Gerald suffered a bruised hamstring. After the light was patched up,
his leg was rushed to hospital for treatment, with Gerald hurrying along after
it. The doctor politely informed Gerald of the no-smoking sign, asked him to
fasten his seat belt and told him that he would require crutches for the next
few weeks. Gerald gave the doctor a puzzled look in payment for his services.
Looking around to make sure no-one was listening, the doctor leant close to
Gerald and whispered:
"Now you do not have even the foggiest of ideas
why I just said what I did, am I correct?"
Without waiting for a
response he continued.
"But just remember this one thing. The next
person you hear saying those words you can trust completely. Go to work as
normal tomorrow, and you will be contacted. And don't worry about the crutches.
That's just part of the code too. Au Reviour."
Gerald left the building
that he assumed was a hospital - but the pain in his leg was telling him
otherwise - wondering about the sanity of the doctor who had been treating him.
"Well Morris" he said to Morris, who was still in his pocket, only
slightly crushed, "That was quite strange, wouldn't you say?"
not reply, which deeply disturbed Gerald. Was Morris dying? Would he lose his
"Morris? NOOO!! Please don't die! You are my bestest
friend!" shouted Gerald. He was trying every trick he knew to get Morris to
speak back to him, including the trick with the string beans, but it all seemed
rather futile. All he got in response was a muffled gurgle, which he supposed
was coming from Morris, although from which end he was not certain. Then through
the haze, he started to piece together thoughts. At first these thoughts did not
fit. And so the puzzle of his mind was all jumbled. But then he found the corner
pieces, then the side pieces, and everything fell into place from there. Morris
was a turtle. Turtles in general could not speak English, much less Spanish or
Uzbechiztanian. Morris was a turtle of the general variety. Therefore Morris
could not speak English, Spanish or Uzbechiztanian. Therefore the fact that
Morris was not speaking to him did not necessarily mean he was dead. Therefore
his Mother had been right when she said "Turtels ar stupit dumm animalls". He
had always hated his mother for saying that.
Collecting his thoughts in a
rather large canvas sack, he made his way home. Once reaching his humble abode,
which didn't think it was that fancy, he promptly fell asleep. A passing
policeman saw him collapsed on the front lawn, and tried to awaken him. Failing
to do so, the policeman carried him inside, and closing the door behind him,
drove to the local lock-up to finish his shift. He parked the paddy-wagon in the
secure underground cell, and left for home, totally forgetting that he had left
Gerald locked in the cage in the back, instead of Gerald’s house. The policeman,
who was known as Herbert, had been in a bit of a rush as he was hoping to get
home early to watch "Origamirama", which accounted for his mistake, a mistake
which was surprisingly common on Wednesday nights, as quite a few of the local
bobbies were "Origamirama" fanatics. Infact, it was well known that the local
constabularly were by far the best paper folders around, although their hobby
did on occasion interfere with their policing duties. Infact, on more than one
occasion, but less than four, a policeman had been caught in a gun battle with
nothing more than a paper gun to defend themselves, a situtation which could be
said to have a lot to do with the fact that many of the police at the station
did not have enough work to do.
Gerald, of course, was not even slightly
interested with the art of paper folding at that particular moment in time. All
he was interested in was sleeping, and, when the time came, waking.
finally awoke he was awake, as these things generally go. He realized almost
immediately that there was a cage in his immediate vicinity, and a short while
after that he realized that he was trapped inside the cage. This surprised him a
little, as normally he was outside a cage looking in, but after he thought about
it, he surmised that the most likely conclusion was that he really was outside
the cage, but his entity had shifted to a parallel-universe, and it was only his
perspective which had changed. However, this bubble was burst when Sgt. Ima
Copper discovered him in the cage, explained that no, he really was in the cage,
and arrested him for being inside a police vehicle without proper
Gerald was adamant that he did not know how he had come to be in
a paddy-wagon. Sgt. Copper was adamant that he didn't know either, and that was
the problem, because he was the one to see regarding matters of obtaining
permissions, and he had most certainly not been contacted in this case.
Sgt. Copper contacted Herbert, whom he knew had been driving the wagon the
previous night. Herbert said that he had found Gerald collapsed on his front
lawn, and so "Collapsing without due care" and "Being on Grass" were added to
his list of charges. Gerald insisted that it was all a mistake, then argued that
it was all a conspiracy, then tried to explain the story of the elk, the train,
the doctor and his turtle, and was released on the grounds of insanity. Now his
only focus was to get to work, as the doctor had said that at work that day he
would be contacted, and Gerald was rather looking forward to the social aspect
of the whole deal, as he didn't really have all that many people to talk to.
Although, he worked with hundreds of people. All of whom he could talk to. But
the pure and simple truth was that most, if not all of these people did not
really want to talk back to him. This he found rather disconcerting, as if he
did not talk to someone, he felt rather lonely, as he had recently rediscovered
that turtles cannot talk, and if he DID talk to people, they did not talk back
to him, and he felt rather foolish. Which he did not like at all, although he
had become to grow used to it.
So he called a cab to his place of work,
Cheesie Cheese Manufacturers, a Cheese manufacturing plant. When he arrived, the
cab was already there, and Gerald realized that he probably should have
requested the cab to pick him up and TAKE him to CCM, instead of telling it to
GO to CCM. Realizing his mistake, and remembering his father's sound advice:
"Learn from your mistakes" he walked back to the police station, and called the
cab again, this time asking the right thing. When he got to CCM again, Gerald
realized he had made yet another mistake, having traveled to CCM, back to the
Cop-Shop and back again. But he realized that if he tried to right this wrong by
starting again he would just confuse the problem further, so he paused to think.
The cab driver didn't mind, as the meter was still running. After leaving the
cab and paying, Gerald realized that yes, once again he had made another mistake
concerning the same cab. But if he got back in, he would just have to pay more
money. Now thoroughly confused, he decided to put it all behind him, and walked
into Cheesie Cheese Manufacturers. The place was abuzz with lawyers, as the
company had been embroiled in some sort of dispute with someone or other over
some disagreement, but the details were not being made public, and Gerald was
not an associate of the CCM board, and even if he was he would not have been
told, as that was just the way things were.
So he donned his company-policy
protective glasses, protective hat and protective smock, and his company-policy
decorative moccasins, and took his place in the production line. He was really
starting to enjoy himself, slicing cheese, dicing cheese, extruding cheese, and
generally living and breathing cheese, when he was approached by one of the
lawyers who had previously been buzzing round the place with the other lawyers,
but was no longer, as he was now approaching Gerald, and the other lawyers were
The lawyer finished approaching Gerald, and was now quite close to him,
which made sense.
"Please take note of the no-smoking signs, fasten your
seatbelt and you'll be needing crutches for the next few weeks." said the lawyer
Gerald thought back to the previous day, when the doctor had
told him that anyone who said that particular sentence could be totally trusted.
Now Gerald was totally confused, as this particular course of events was a bit
of a contradiction in terms. He was being told that he could totally trust a
lawyer! Now Gerald was convinced that this was only a setup for candid camera,
as no one could really expect him to trust a lawyer. But this thought was
plucked from his head when the lawyer said
"Don't worry Gerald, it's not
a setup for candid-camera, and no-one really expects you to trust a lawyer. To
tell the truth I'm not really a lawyer at all. I'm a politician."
statement brought two thoughts to Gerald's mind. Firstly, there must be
something very strange going on, as this lawyer/politician/psychic had just read
his mind, and this was not an everyday occurrence, which was the main factor
behind his thinking that this was very strange. His second thought, or second
topic of thinking, as there were many thoughts which comprised his supposition
regarding the whole mind-reading saga, was that now he was not being asked to
trust a lawyer, but being asked to trust a politician PRETENDING to be a lawyer,
which was also quite disconcerting.
But there was something about the events
of the last few hours that intrigued him, and intrigued him enough to ignore
common sense and trust a politician/lawyer, or at least listen to him. So when
the politician, who introduced himself as Mavis, motioned for Gerald to follow
him, Gerald followed him. They walked outside and then inside again, but a
different inside, not the inside of CCM, but the inside of Mavis' car, which was
soundproofed, so that no one could hear them talking. Or shouting. Or playing
video games, if that's what it was they were going to be doing. But mostly Mavis
didn't want anyone to hear what they had to say, apart, of course, from Gerald,
whom he did want to be able to have hear him, as he was wanting to talk to
Gerald, and it would not be all that useful if Gerald could not hear him.
"Well then." said Mavis.
"This whole debarkle started many many
years ago in the land of Switzerland, where there lived an old wizened
cheese-maker. Now this cheese-maker was becoming quite bored with everyday
ordinary cheese, so he was always trying out new recipes. But he forgot about
one batch and left it sitting in his toilet. Of course, this was his secondary
toilet that he used solely for maturing cheese. If it was his primary toilet,
and he did not notice that there was cheese in it, then people would have
started to wonder about his sanity, which would have made him wonder about THEIR
sanity, because he considered himself to be absolutely sane, as he did not
really get out much. But back to the cheese, the lot I mentioned maturing in the
toilet. In the cheese-makers' endeavors to create new and exciting cheesy
delights, he forgot to flush the cheese daily. The cheese was no longer bound
down by the running water, and so was able to flourish and grow freely. However,
because of the nature of the environment it was in, the way in which it did grow
was not all that healthy. It started developing a fungal growth, which rapidly
spread around its body, overtaking the whole cheese. The mould attacked the
cheese's brain, the brain which the cheese had only grown as a result of the
fungal growth, and a superpower cheese was born. This cheese had powers that a
cheese had never before been seen, as cheeses had never had super-powers, and
because cheeses could not see, unless they had superpowers, which they had not,
previous to this stage. It used these powers to escape from the toilet, and into
the wilderness. It spent it's early years wandering the vast plains of
Switzerland, where it was raised by the native Buffalo, who taught him to wash
his hands before eating, always ask permission before borrowing the car, and to
look after his mother. However, they failed to inform him that he did not need
to eat, much less have any hands to eat with, that he could never drive a car,
unless he had one specially built to accomodate his rather unusual form, and if
he ever got the opportunity he would find it much easier to use his godly
powers. They also forgot to mention that he had no mother, but these things were
beyond the comprehension of simple Buffalo, and so he started life with quite a
"May I ask a question?" asked Gerald.
may." answered Mavis, before continuing.
"Now when the cheese was
finally old enough," continued Mavis, before being interrupted by Gerald for a
"Excuse me, but you didn't let me ask my question." said
Gerald, looking rather annoyed.
"Oh!" exclaimed Mavis. "I thought that
WAS your question."
"Well it wasn't." replied Gerald. "The question I
wanted to ask, was 'Which whole debarkle would you be referring to exactly?'
Because you didn't really make it all that clear."
"Ah." said Mavis.
"Well, it'll all make sense once I've finished, so just wait until I have, and
"Now when the cheese was finally old enough" continued Mavis
again, "it left the tribe to go onto bigger and better things, and from there
went to even bigger and better things, which were bigger and better that the
last ones. It assumed the identity of "THE BLUE CHEESE", which, while quite
fitting, was also quite unique, as it was probably the first "BLUE CHEESE" ever
'invented', and it is quite doubtful that any blue cheese which was modeled from
him at a later stage in the development of the cheese community would be likely
to be up to the standard of deciding on it's own name."
replied Gerald, his voice full of conviction.
"Sssh.” Said Mavis
“THE BLUE CHEESE led a life of obscurity, occasionally saving drowning
carp, rescuing pigeons from trees, and evacuating flood victims from the Middle
East. These heroic acts, while occasional, reduced his level of obscurity, and
therefore he was not as obscure as he once was. No-one really knew who or what
he was, but most had a fair clue as to his favorite colour. He became a legend,
and he was thought of as a story spun by the old-women of Rwanda, which was
quite a silly notion, as the people of Rwanda had not even been invented at that
stage, and even to this day, no-one is really sure if there actually is such a
place, or if it was just invented by skeptics to explain away the existence of
THE BLUE CHEESE.
THE BLUE CHEESE was now generally regarded as a legend, as I
mentioned in the previous sentence, but there was a small group of people who
believed that he was not just a legend, but that he was more than a legend. That
is, they believed that there actually was such a thing as THE BLUE CHEESE, as
opposed to the rest of the global community, excepting Rwanda, which was not a
real place, who believed the opposite. These few people were known to themselves
as "THE BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION", and unknown to everyone else, and they
wished to keep it that way, as they would be ridiculed for their belief, and
their name did not really make sense.
"No... You're right there." said
Gerald, not confused at all.
"Yes. Well let me continue. After it had
been disregarded by the general population of the world, human or nay, THE BLUE
CHEESE found that funnily enough, he didn't really care. He seemed to have no
emotions at all, and this made him very sad. So he decided to move somewhere
quieter, and so he retired the great depths of outer space, to ponder. Firstly,
he pondered why where he was was actually called "outer space". Then he pondered
why ponder was such a strange word, a word which required a lot of pondering.
All this pondering was great for a laugh, if pondering made you laugh, but he
had no place to stay, so he decided to build himself a house. But he needed his
house to be special, to be remembered for all eternity as the "HOUSE OF THE BLUE
CHEESE", as that was just the sort of guy that he was.
And also being of a
practical nature, he also wanted his house to have some other usage, a usage
besides being his house. He took a look around him, and realized that all the
planets had at least one moon, some even more, whereas Earth had none. He
thought that this was a bit unfair. So he decided to create one for the people
of Earth. Mostly however, he made it for himself, as it was to be HIS house.
Having nothing to build his house with, he constructed his house out of the
lower half of his torso, his asophagus, and his left kidney. I suppose that
means that he did have something to build his house with. But I meant that in
the sense that he had nothing in the way of standardized building materials,
apart from himself, which wasn’t really a standardized building material anyway.
He also created a decorative bonsai garden with his spleen. After completion of
his house, he was much smaller that he was before construction, and his house
held him quite comfortably."
"As if he made the moon.” Muttered Gerald.
“Everyone knows the moon is made of cheese. Oh wait. No I meant ‘Everyone knows
the moon is not made of cheese, as opposed to what I said, which was different
to what I actually meant. However, long ago some people did think the moon was
made of cheese. How silly of them."
“Right….” Said Mavis.
named his house "HOUSE OF THE BLUE CHEESE", a.k.a. "THE MOON", which was not
quite an acronym, but close enough in the circumstances. And so he lived on the
dark dark side of the moon, in a dark dark valley, in a dark dark crater, in a
dark dark cave, with only the skeleton of a dog keeping him company. And he was
happy in this existence for a while, but there were still a number of questions
that he could not solve by pondering, mostly because whenever he pondered, he
started pondering about pondering, and therefore did not ponder about what he
had intended to ponder about, unless he had intended to ponder about pondering.
So after much pondering, he decided he must return to Earth and seek out a being
of great comprehension, who could answer all his questions, or at least try to
understand what he was asking.
So he traveled back to Earth, and sought out
an intellectual Buffalo, who was much more advanced than the simple Buffalo whom
he had previously encountered. This Buffalo, known to anyone who understood
Buffaela as Bill, was able to dispel the notions that THE BLUE CHEESE had hands,
should wash them, could drive a car with them, and the whole mother deal as
well. After pondering over the word ponder, Bill replied that when words were
invented, they assigned ponder as the word to describe the action taken to solve
mysteries, such as the mystery of what to assign ponder to.
Bill was able to instruct THE BLUE CHEESE in how to use the full capabilities of
his godly-powers. However, THE BLUE CHEESE found that whenever he used his
powers to do powerful things, as powers generally do, he shrank, and also grew
smaller. He realized that if he kept using his powers, he would keep shrinking,
and therefore there would soon be significantly less of him, and if he still
continued to use his powers, he would disappear completely. Of course, he could
use his powers to disappear, but this was a different sort of disappearing, and
the sort of disappearing which he would encounter if he used up all his powers
was of the fatal variety.
Not wishing to encounter anything fatal, he came to
the conclusion that unless he retired on THE MOON and did nothing that required
using his powers, then he would need to find a substance that he could use to
During the next few years he both wandered and wondered
between THE MOON and the Earth, searching for a substance which could replenish
him. And here he found help in THE BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION, who had become
distressed by his absence, so had endeavored to create an idol to worship him
by. Now being of the slightly intellectual type, they realized that blue cheese
would make a fitting representation of "THE BLUE CHEESE". When THE BLUE CHEESE
returned to Earth, after his trip to Buffalo Bill, they offered their creation
to him, and he found that it did infact replenish him. But no matter how hard he
tried, he could not himself create this blue cheese, and so he relied on THE
BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION to manufacture the blue cheese, which he relied on to
perform feats of greatness.
So all was well, at least all was well for THE
BLUE CHEESE, and he did try to make all well for as many people as he could, but
the point is that now THE BLUE CHEESE was at ease. All his questions could be
answered by Buffalo Bill, and he had a steady supply of blue cheese to supply
"Is that it?" asked Gerald, glancing at his watch.
Said Mavis. “But now back to the wizened cheese-maker, who was now significantly
older than he used to be, but at the same time younger than his parents. He had,
over the umpteen years after the toilet/THE BLUE CHEESE incident, successfully
succeeded in creating interesting cheese. In fact some of his creations were
very interesting, but once again, it was an uninteresting cheese which was to
become more than a cheese normally does. This time it was a cheese which the
wizened cheese-maker had created on his trip to Afstraalia, a place which was
highly recommended by his Greek tour guide. But he did not really like this
cheese, and he scolded the cheese for not being so likeable. The cheese was
quite embarrassed by all this attention, as he found it embarrassing, and so he
turned red, as this was the desirable thing to do when one was
Under the constant torment and teasing of the wizened
cheese-maker, the now-red cheese grew angry, and was determined to somehow get
his own back on the wizened cheese-maker. Now permanently red through the
constant torment, the cheese was now fast enough to make his escape, to seek out
someone who could help him chisel and hone his getting-back powers.
wizened cheese-maker was now deeply distressed, as he now had no-one to assert
his authority over, and so he went back to work, this time purposefully trying
to make a 'bad cheese', which would not be all that good, and so therefore he
would be justified in teasing the cheese, which he was planning to do, once the
specified cheese was created.
“What about the dead cheese?” asked Gerald
“The RED cheese.” Stated Mavis, rather patiently. “The red
cheese escaped, and in escaping, escaped to Latvia, and in the country's vast
desert expanses, he met a nameless man by the name of Nicodemus Hebblethwaite.
Nicodemus was adept in the mystical art called "Tax Evasion", which he was all
too happy to teach to "THE RED CHEESE", after "THE RED CHEESE" explained the
life of torment and misery which it had lived. Over the course of many many
annums, Nicodemus taught THE RED CHEESE all he knew about "Tax Evasion", and THE
RED CHEESE soon too became adept in the art of "Tax Evasion", and was able to
weave and mould the universe to his will.
But the power that was now at his
grasp corrupted him, even more so than his longing for revenge already had, and
he was consumed by it's awesomeness, and his thirst for more and more power
grew. His quest for power drove him to the unthinkable, and he removed his only
foreseeable obstacle, in his steeplechase toward supreme power, Nicodemus, who,
after being killed by THE RED CHEESE, died.
Now with nothing in his way, and
more powerful that he could ever have imagined, especially before he developed
an imagination, THE RED CHEESE made his way to Switzerland, to the residence of
the wizened cheese-maker. The wizened cheese-maker was quite taken aback by the
sudden appearance of THE RED CHEESE, as he had just had the locks
But knowing that THE RED CHEESE had only returned for one thing, and
also knowing what that one thing was, the wizened cheese-maker rushed at THE RED
CHEESE, attacking him with everything he had, and some things he didn't. But THE
RED CHEESE was prepared, and had not undergone all his training for nothing.
Using a specially-designed atax-evasion technique, he evaded the wizened
cheese-maker's attacks, and deftly pinned the wizened cheese-maker up against
the wall. Then he gave the wizened cheese-maker the worst torture he could think
of - he forced him to eat his own cheese. More specifically, his latest
creation, THE BAD CHEESE. This particular specimen was extremely unsavory, and
did not taste very nice at all. The wizened cheese-maker needed only one bite of
this toxic toxin before he was rendered lifeless, and a short while later the
side-effects of the cheese killed him.
Satisfied that his work there was
done, THE RED CHEESE left Switzerland, wreaking havoc on the rest of the planet.
The human race were powerless against his deadly tariff-attack, and he easily
evaded the tax inspectors which were sent after him.
It was in this bleak
time that the human race looked to the sky for inspiration. Those of an artistic
nature were inspired by the bizarre cloud-formations, but the rest of the human
race were without a doubt doubtful that this was at all likely to save them from
their oppressor, THE RED CHEESE.
And when all hope seemed lost, one of it's
distant relatives, chance, rode into town. THE BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION, who
for the past millennia had been meditating, and did not know of THE RED CHEESE,
and thus were not aware that THE RED CHEESE, which they did not know about, was
running rampant around the planet, emerged from their deep place of worship and
enchantment. On hearing the situation at hand, they instantly returned to their
deep place, and the world condemned them for their weak spirit, and their
unwillingness to help. But, unbeknown to the general population, and everyone
else, they had returned not out of their own pusillanimity, but because they
could do much more for the world if they were able to summon THE BLUE CHEESE.
After many months of meditation, THE BLUE CHEESE traveled to Earth to see what
the climate was like, and his first stop was the deep place of THE BLUE CHEESE
CONGLOMERATION to replenish his supply of blue cheese. THE BLUE CHEESE
CONGLOMERATION were overjoyed at the thought that their meditating had been able
to rouse THE BLUE CHEESE, and he felt them worthy to grace them with his
But their joy was cut short when they realized that he could not
actually sense their prayers, but he rectified this by presenting them with a
pet rock. This did not please them much until he explained that this pet rock
was not a conventional rock, much less a rock at all. Its cunning disguise
disguised the fact that it was really an interstellar-message-relay-device,
which was powered by a powerful rocket, or p-rocket for short. Now THE BLUE
CHEESE CONGLOMERATION were totally enraptured in the gift from their god, and so
THE BLUE CHEESE bid them farewell, and returned to THE MOON, as he disliked
A while later, THE BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION were coming
to grips with their new p-rocket or pet-rock, when they realized that the reason
they were needing to contact THE BLUE CHEESE had become null and void when they
had actually received the means to do so, but in their excitement at receiving
their pet-rock, they had forgotten to mention that the whole world was under
constant torment and persecution by THE RED CHEESE, who was currently amassing a
massive red cheese army, and that the help of THE BLUE CHEESE was urgently
needed. So THE BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION composed a message to THE BLUE CHEESE,
and sent the pet-rock on it's way to THE MOON with the message. The message told
THE BLUE CHEESE of the current situation, and asked for his immediate
assistance. On receiving the message, THE BLUE CHEESE wondered why THE BLUE
CHEESE CONGLOMERATION had not simply asked him while he was on Earth before, and
was rather annoyed that they had disturbed him when he was just getting
comfortable again, but he decided that it was his duty to save the human
Now THE RED CHEESE had no idea that THE BLUE CHEESE existed, and THE
BLUE CHEESE was at a distinct advantage, besides the fact that it was a lot more
powerful than THE RED CHEESE.
But wanting to keep the advantage of surprise
for as long as possible, he unleashed one of the many bizarre and powerful
creatures he had met on his many travels. He telepathically communicated with
"The Monkey", a monkey who had aspirations to become a Cantaloupe, as he had
been raised by a wild pack of roaming Cantaloupes, and requested that "The
Monkey" see what he could do about THE RED CHEESE.
"The Monkey" attacked THE
RED CHEESE with all that he had, which was a considerable amount for a monkey,
although quite standard for a cantaloupe, as he had progressed quite far in his
quest for cantaloupeishnessism. However, while "The Monkey" did THE RED CHEESE
considerable damage, THE RED CHEESE made a monkey out of "The Monkey", and now
only a simple monkey, as opposed to a quite complex monkey with reality issues
and cantaloupish aspirations, "The Monkey" retreated to re-evaluate his
Seeing that he would have to get his hands dirty, then realizing once
again that he had no hands, THE BLUE CHEESE rushed to Earth, quickly finishing
off the now weakened THE RED CHEESE. However, fortunately for both THE RED
CHEESE and his life-insurance contractor, THE RED CHEESE did not die, but was
only finished off, which THE BLUE CHESE would have found both extremely annoying
and confusing, if he had known of THE RED CHEESE’s not dying, which he didn’t.
Thinking THE RED CHEESE to be dead, THE BLUE CHEESE took a quick world tour,
meeting with dignitaries from many, if not all, of the world's leaders, and he
most probably would have shaken hands with a great deal of them, if he had
hands, and it were possible. He then, feeling rather full from the special
banquets in his honour, returned to his home on the moon, intent on spending the
next three centuries in digestion. THE RED CHEESE, on the other hand, hastily
retreated to Latvia, to think over things. He decided it was time to put his
troops into action, as that was what he had created them to do, and it would
have been an awful shame to waste them.
“Sorry, what was that?” Asked
Gerald. “I heard up to the part about the cheese-wizener dude going to
Antarctica and making some dead cheese, which I suppose makes sense, as all
cheese is dead anyway, but then I got distracted by a cloud. In the sky. It sort
of looks like a salamander… No really, it does! Look!”
So Mavis had to
tell the whole story again, from the part about Afstraalia, and THE RED CHEESE.
Which wasn’t really the whole story, as he didn’t have to start from the start,
and he hadn’t finished telling it yet either, so therefore there was less that
he had to tell than had first thought, or would have thought if he had stopped
to consider that which he had to retell.
And so Mavis retold the story, or
the part thereof which he was required to retell, and then continued the story,
or that of the story which was still untold.
“So now THE RED CHEESE was
at a distinct advantage, in that he was now perceived as dead, and thus THE BLUE
CHEESE, and infact the entire population of the Earth, would not be expecting
him to counterattack, especially in his rather un-alive state. Also to his
advantage, he had a rather large army of red cheese, clones of himself which he
had made using a rather complex and expensive piece of technology, one which, if
it were in a storefront display, would no doubt have a sign which read "Look,
but don't touch.", continued Mavis, continuing. "Instead of directly attacking
THE BLUE CHEESE, as THE BLUE CHEESE, with a steady supply of blue cheese to
replenish itself, was almost indestructible, THE RED CHEESE realised that it
would be far more effective to destroy the blue cheese production facilities. In
a series of midnight raids, THE RED CHEESE and his clone army attacked the
factories of THE BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION one by one, and on a good night,
when they became more practiced at destroy and pillaging, two by two. They were
so efficient at their task that by the time THE BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION were
able to contact THE BLUE CHEESE, and the time it took THE BLUE CHEESE to arrive,
THE RED CHEESE was long gone. Infact, the raids were carried out so quickly,
with no witnesses left alive, that THE BLUE CHEESE CONGLOMERATION had no idea
what had hit them, and it took a rather immature member of THE RED CHEESE's army
graffitying "RED CHEESE WOZ ERE" on the wall of a crippled factory for them to
realise that their adversary had returned.
And of course, with each factory
that was destroyed, THE BLUE CHEESE's ability to regenerate himself was
hindered, to the point that there was no blue cheese being produced anywhere in
the world, or, for that matter, the universe.
“Finally, some luck. That
blue cheese, so annoying, disrupting the red cheese and everything.” Said
“Huh?” questioned Mavis. “No no no. You’ve got it all wrong. THE
BLUE CHEESE is the good guy. THE RED CHEESE is bad.”
Gerald, looking sheepish. “Oops.”
“Anyway, now THE BLUE CHEESE was left
with no way whatsoever to regenerate himself.” Continued Mavis, and had enough
power left for one last feat of greatness. There was one member of THE BLUE
CHEESE CONGLOMERATION who had survived, and so THE BLUE CHEESE invested in this
person the power to animate cheeses, which basically meant that this man could
now bring ordinary cheese to life, and bring it to alliance with THE BLUE
CHEESE. And so with the last part of the last remaining powers he had, THE BLUE
CHEESE sent this sole-survivor of THE RED CHEESE’s massacre, who was known as
Theodor Geisel, to find someone who was an expert on cheese. Of course, THE RED
CHEESE discovered Theodor and his sensitive mission, and sent a rather large
proportion of his army after him, intent, of course, on stopping him. And so THE
BLUE CHEESE, fearing for the safety of his last real hope, used up the very last
reserves of his blue cheese, and transported Theodor away to Earth.”
“Just one question.” Interrupted Gerald. “Wasn’t this Theodor Geisel guy
already on Earth?”
“Yes he was.” Replied Mavis. “But it was a different
Earth. Well actually the same Earth, but in a different universe, which was
extremely similar to the one from whence he came, except that the wizened
cheese-maker had died a tragic death on the operating table, where he was being
operated on for terminal cancer of the spleen. This surgery undoubtedly saved
his life, or would have if it hadn’t killed him, which certainly raises some
doubts as to whether it saved him or not.
But the point of the matter is that
in this universe, THE RED CHEESE and THE BLUE CHEESE did not exist, as in this
universe, the cheesemaker had died before he could invent them.”
understand what I’m saying?” asked Mavis. “Because this is pretty complicated
stuff.” “And you didn’t understand the simple parts.” He muttered under his
“Yeah of course.” Replied Gerald. “It’s all elementary. Even the
most simple-minded students in my Theoretical Astro-Physics class can understand
the principal of multi-dimensional-parallel universes, it’s just that according
to the whole human race, there is no such thing. What I don’t understand
however, is why didn’t THE BLUE CHEESE just send himself through the
inter-universal-hyper-portal, assuming that’s how he transported this Geisel
chap? And just curious, how many universes are there, and why didn’t he send
this chap to any others, if there are others?”
“Well, I’ll answer your
questions in order.” Replied Mavis. “Just in reverse. There are 4 different
universae, which is the correct terminology, in total. I will explain why he
chose the one he did, as opposed to the two which he did not choose.
one of these universae, the planet Earth had been decimated by nuclear war,
which those who were only slightly disfigured and able to think thought about,
was quite strange, as none of their countries had nuclear weapons, or at least
working ones, and even if they did, they would not use them against others,
unless others used them against them, or they thought they would, or they
thought that the others might think that they might, or vice versa. And as if
these ambiguous statements weren’t confusing enough, which they were, those who
had more than others wanted the others to have none, but at the same time keep
their own, and said that the ones of those who had less were more threatening,
which was decidedly unfair. And to make matters worse, those with more than
those with less threatened those who had less, but who still had at least one,
and one nuclear weapon, while not as powerful as two, is far more deadly than
The second of the Earth’s was unsuitable as their culture had been
dominated by a cannibalistic cult that went by the name of The Delirious
Delinquents of Doom, who were, as their adjective suggested, cannibalistic. This
cult had managed to recruit the whole planet to their ranks, and therefore the
planet had no more use for cheese, and over the ages, cheese was totally
forgotten, so therefore there was no one who would be an expert on cheese, at
least not on that Earth, which is the Earth I am talking about.
explains why he chose the Earth he chose, as opposed to those he didn’t.
Now, to your first question, which is next in my list. THE BLUE CHEESE,
rather lacking energy, did not have much energy left, and only had sufficient
energy to create a return portal large enough for one human, before going into
hiding. And so THE BLUE CHEESE sent Theodor Geisel out into the world, which was
the same as but at the same time different from the world he came from, and was
to return to once he found a cheese expert who he could bestow with
cheese-animation powers. And so ends the story thus far.”
Said Gerald. “That was a nice story. Can I have that written down? If I have
kids one day, that would be the ultimate bedtime-story. Although truth be told,
I'm not that likely to ever have kids, although I guess if I get lonely enough I
could fashion some child-like statues out of cheese, and read them stories to
get them to sleep.”
“Well actually, no, this story can never be written,
and it must receive the highest confidentiality.”
“Yeah, whatever. I’m
going back to work.” Said Gerald.
“Wait!” exclaimed Mavis, stopping
Gerald just in time. “It’s all true! My name is actually Theodor Geisel, and I
was sent by THE BLUE CHEESE, to this Earth to find a cheese expert, and I picked
you as that expert, as I have never seen anyone as dedicated to their work as
you. Doesn’t it just make sense? I mean, have you ever heard of The Delirious
Delinquents of Doom? Or have you been genetically mutated by a world-wide
“Um, no, but how do I know you are who you say you
are?” asked Gerald.
“Oh. Oh yes, I’ve got this!” exclaimed Theodor,
brandishing a small bright fluorescing tube, which was fluorescing brightly.
“Then of course you are.” Said Gerald, not convinced at all.
and get me a slice of cheese.” Commanded Theodor
“Oh. So you just wanted
some cheese after all. Why the silly story then?” asked Gerald. “I’ve got
Ambert, Baby Swiss, Bavarian Bergkase, Caciocavallo, Doppelrhamstufel, Evansdale
Farmhouse Brie, Gornyaltajski, Port Nicholson, Quatre-Vents and Texas Goat
Cheese on the production line at the moment, but I can get others if you want.”
“Ah. No just any cheese will do.” Replied Theodor. “I’ll take the Texas
Goat Cheese then.”
“Wait right there.” Said Gerald, and left the car,
returning a short while later with a largish wedge of Texas Goat Cheese, which
he handed to Theodor.
“Watch this.” Said Theodor, and he proceeded to
proceed to wave the fluorescing tube around the cheese. The lump of Texas Goat
Cheese wobbled and shook, and when Theodor removed the tube, it rose up on its
legs, which it had just grown, or appeared to, as Gerald had never noticed any
Texas Goat Cheese with legs before. The cheese shouted, “I will fight alongside
my master, THE BLUE CHEESE” at the bottom of its lungs, as opposed to the top of
its lungs, as being a cheese, its anatomy was distinctly different from
something with different anatomy. It then fell on its face, as it was not a very
“As you can see,” said Theodor, “This particular cheese
would not be a top recruiting choice. But I wasn’t to know that, as I’m not
really an expert on cheesie matters. But surely even you can see that this is a
poor quality cheese. Bad cheese, bad.” He scolded the cheese.
embarrassed cheese looked rather sheepish, which just went to show that it was
not particularly bright, and therefore not a good recruitment choice, as it did
not realize that it was named after a goat, not a sheep.
to notice this however; he was too fascinated by the fact that a cheese had just
come to life before his eyes, a fact that fascinated him. He had never before
seen a cheese come to life before, the closest thing to a cheese coming to life
he had seen was in his early childhood years when he spilt the egg-salad on the
floor, and got in trouble for not cleaning it up. So seeing a cheese come to
life, right before his eyes, which was the place it would have to happen for him
to see it, was a new experience for him.
“So you were telling the truth?
The moon IS made of cheese?” he asked, dumfounded at the mere possibility of the
moon being made of cheese.
“No you idiot. In the universe that THE BLUE
CHEESE inhabits, yes, the moon is made of cheese, but not in this universe.”
“Oh.” Said Gerald.
“So will you, with your cheese expertise,
help us defeat this Phantom Limburger?” asked Theodor.
“Ah well I don’t
know.” Murmured Gerald. “I’ll just consult Morris. I left him inside in my
jacket. Be right back.”
Gerald was halfway inside, the inside of CCM
that is, not the inside of the car, which was the inside which he had just left,
when he realized once again that turtles cannot speak. However, not wanting to
look like an idiot, he retrieved Morris from his jacket, consulted him, and then
combed his hair, as it was looking very idiotish. He then returned to the car,
now looking very suave with his new hairdo. Once in the car, he realized that he
was not in the right car, infact he was in the wrong one. So he left the wrong
car which he was in, and then found the right car, which he was not in, but was
soon to be. Once in the right car, he said to Theodor:
“Well Morris -
that’s my turtle - and I have agreed.”
“Ah.” Said Theodor. “And what,
pray tell, have you agreed on?”
“Oh.” Said Gerald. “I forgot that part.
Wait a second.”
So once again, Gerald consulted his mute turtle, and in
a rather one-sided conversation, agreed, and this time actually agreed on
something, Morris letting Gerald do all the talking. Gerald then returned to the
right car, and spoke once again with Theodor.
“Yes, Morris and I have
decided to help you help THE BLUE CHEESE to defeat THE RED CHEESE.” Said Gerald,
dusting himself off, as he had just had an unusual encounter with a psychopathic
killer brandishing a blunderbuss who chased him down the street, until
fortunately for Gerald, but unfortunately for the psychopathic killer with the
blunderbuss, he - the psychopathic killer with the blunderbuss - was run down by
a truck belonging to the local zoo which had run rampant when a small salamander
had escaped from its cage and burnt the driver with the cigarette lighter, the
driver falling out of the truck, the salamander unable to drive, and having no
wish to. The truck continued down the street until it collided with a garbage
truck, which was luckily empty. After being hit that is. Before being hit is was
unluckily full, funnily enough, of garbage, and this garbage spilled onto the
sidewalk, causing the mailman and his bike to come a cropper, scattering letters
everywhere, blinding the driver of a tour bus, which stuck a water-main,
rupturing it - the water main - sending water cascading up the street, which may
not sound possible, and in generally is not, but in these circumstances, “up” is
simply referring to the opposite of “down”, to put across the idea that the
water was flowing in the opposite direction to the psychopathic killer with the
blunderbuss and the zoo truck. The water swept over an old lady carrying a
parcel of flour, which spilled over Gerald, and this was the reason he was
dusting himself off, as having flour on his clothes did not really help to
create a non-idiot-image.
“Ah great.” Replied Theodor, dusting himself
off, as he had just spilled his Dr. Pepper. “Well here’s the plan. With your
vast knowledge of all things cheesie, we will choose the cheeses that will best
help THE BLUE CHEESE, and then bring them to life with the cheese-animator. Then
we will return to the Earth, the other Earth, the one with THE BLUE CHEESE, and
vanquish his foe, being THE RED CHEESE.”
“Sounds like a plan to me.”
“Well it’s getting rather late.” Said Theodor. “I’ll
come again tomorrow, and we can start discussing logistics.”
Replied Gerald. “But when will we discuss the plan?”
worry. I’ll just see you tomorrow.”
And with that Theodor drove away,
however it was not simply like that, as Gerald had to leave the car before
Theodor could drive away, as if he was still in the car and Gerald tried to
drive away, he would never succeed. So Gerald left the car, and then Theodor
Gerald walked slowly home, random people glancing at him,
trying to work out if they had seen him before, not that they cared. His back
was hunched, due to his bad posture, and he was thinking about the eventful
events of that eventful day. He had been called upon to use his talents, which
weren’t really talents, now that he thought about it, more trade secrets, to
save the Earth, although he wasn’t quite sure which Earth, what with the whole
So he headed for home to take a nap, as he was
feeling rather tired.
He could only wonder as to what lay ahead, and as his
memory was not that good, some of what lay behind.
If the shoe fits, get the other one.